


Things that should have happened on Penny Dreadful

by AquitaineQueen24



Category: Penny Dreadful (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, the result of a lot of attempts to be funny about this show on tumblr, whether i succeed is up to you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2015-06-04
Packaged: 2018-02-09 04:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 2,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1969293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AquitaineQueen24/pseuds/AquitaineQueen24
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which there are various snatches of conversations that really should have taken place during various stages of Penny Dreadful's first season. Nothing is serious and everything is up for mockery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> To start the ball rolling; in the second episode, 'Seance,' Vanessa gets possessed and proceeds to enthusiastically copulate with a young man in a side street.  
> This is never mentioned again.  
> To which I say PIFFLE.

Vanessa: Malcolm, why did I wake up with the VERY VISIBLE signs of having had sexual relations with someone last night?

Malcolm:...

Malcolm: I tucked you in.

Malcolm: If that helps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It doesn't, Malcolm.
> 
> It really doesn't.


	2. Things that should have happened #1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sembene feeds Fenton a kitty-cat, which solves that particular problem but raises some unfortunate questions.

Victor: So, um, I didn't realise you have a cat. HAD. Had a cat.

Malcolm: ...We didn't.

Fenton: (Gnaws on that poor _poor_ kitty.)

Malcolm: If the neighbors come asking about lost pets, DENY EVERYTHING.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going out on a limb here and guessing that was Vanessa's pet cat.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Caliban muses upon the mess he's made of his younger brother, and Victor is not impressed.

Caliban: So I'll wait until the moment that I demand my creator comes outside with me to wipe the bits of my little brother off of myself.

Caliban:...

Caliban: Actually no, I'll do it now; I think I got some in my mouth.

Victor:Oh, I'm sorry?

Victor: YOU got some in YOUR mouth?

Victor: _ **EXCUSE ME, I'M THE ONE WHO HAD MY POOR SWEET CHILD'S BLOOD RUBBED ALL OVER HIS FACE.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making your death blackly humorous, Proteus. You deserve better.


	4. #3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Vanessa and Malcolm muse upon the lack of staff in their house.

Vanessa: Sir Malcolm, do we actually HAVE any servants other than Sembene?

Malcolm: Probably not. Otherwise we would have have been far more subtle about imprisoning a vampire in the cellar and feeding him cats.

Vanessa: I mean, who's cooking the meals and cleaning everything and helping me get dressed and so on?

Vanessa: The fashions of the day dictate that I need at least one person to get me fastened into this bloody dress.

Vanessa: Wait.

Vanessa: Feeding him WHAT?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If we're right and that WAS Vanessa's cat Sembene fed to Fenton, Sembene's got some explaining to do.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ethan and Brona get to know each other better.

Brona: So I've got consumption and it's all but certain that if we so much as kiss, I'll give it to you.

Ethan: Eh, a little death doesn't bother me. Besides, consumption is like the ULTIMATE fashion accessory at the moment.

Brona:...I also hoiked up blood all over my last customer, and it'll probably happen while we're doing the sex sooner rather than later.

Ethan: I've had worse stuff on me. It's cool.

Brona:PLEASE TELL ME IT DOES NOT TURN YOU ON.

Ethan:...okay, rest assured it won't ever be THAT cool.

Brona :My bedroom's right upstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dead serious about tuberculosis; it was seen as a romantic disease at a certain point. EVERYONE of a certain mindframe (the Romantics) wanted to have it. It represented spiritual purity and temporal wealth. Young upper class women paled their skin to replicate the symptoms for god's sake.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian has to decide what to wear today.
> 
> Oh, the agony of choice.

Dorian: I _really_ like the cut of this waistcoat, but I can't decide whether I should have it in the deep black or the blazing bright fuchsia

Dorian: Aw screw it

Dorian: LET'S HAVE BOTH

Dorian: IN STRIPES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dorian really looks like he's stepped out of a Tim Burton film at times. (Not that I'm complaining.) The funniest part is that there were most likely weirder waistcoats than this in reality, I just haven't been able to find pictures of them.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a nurse takes the time to show that she cares.

Vanessa: (is unconscious and about to have a hole drilled in her skull. YEEEEEESH.)

Nurse: Awww, you poor thing.

Nurse: (Smooches Vanessa on the head.)

Doctor: Nurse Hilda, are you kissing the patients again?

Nurse: NO DOCTOR NOT AT ALL WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In all seriousness it was a touching moment; I just don't get why the nurse would do it. I mean yeah, she feels sorry for her, but so what? I assume she's at least somewhat professional and they probably taught the nurses in mental hospitals not to get near the patients for fear they'd bite their noses off or something.
> 
> So yeah. Awkward.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Vanessa is the new Rapunzel.

Vanessa: So here I am

  
Vanessa: Walking around with my brain seemingly intact

  
Vanessa: Despite my skull having being drilled into

  
Vanessa: And my hair quite long again

  
Vanessa: Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure that when I caused my mother to drop dead from the shock of seeing me possessed and shagging thin air it was only just starting to grow back and surely it didn't take us that long to bury her

  
Vanessa: Ho hum

  
Vanessa: Oh hey Mina what are you doing here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have heard theories that Vanessa is wearing a wig at the funeral, but it would seriously take a couple of years for her hair to get that long again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Brona picks a pretty weird time to worry about contamination

Brona:   Best not kiss me, I'm contagious.

  
Ethan:   ...

  
Ethan:   Honey, you rode me like a bucking bronco until I cried out for mercy

  
Ethan:   THREE TIMES

  
Ethan:   And you coughed blood in my face

  
Ethan:   (Pretty sure some of it got in my mouth)

  
Ethan:   I THINK IT'S A LITTLE LATE TO WORRY ABOUT ME GETTING INFECTED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You need more proof that Ethan is a werewolf?  
> Even so, that's love.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Professor van Helsing is not going to put up with Victor's secrecy and shit.

**van Helsing:**    Victor, just tell me what's going on with your secrecy already. I lost my wife to a vampire; there is literally nothing you can say that will surprise me at this point.

  
**Victor:**    No.

  
**Victor:**    Instead I shall quote some poetry by Shelley at you.

  
**Victor:**    And babble about fate and stuff.

  
**van Helsing:**    ...

  
**van Helsing:**    Young man, let me be frank, my bullshit sensor is tingling and I'm suddenly feeling very protective of my neck.

  
**van Helsing:**    TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, Victor, you done fecked up.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it's episode 6, Ethan's back and Brona has every right to smack a bitch.

**Brona:**    What if you get infected with my consumption?

  
**Ethan:**    Then you'll take care of me.

 

**Ethan:** :)

  
**Brona:**    ...

  
**Brona:**    Bitch, I am lying on what is probably going to be my deathbed and you want ME to take care of YOU?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, Ethan? SHE'S DYING.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ethan does not stay for breakfast, the cad.

**Dorian:**    So, after whatever wild wicked wanton debauchery we might have gotten up to last night, do you want to stay for breakfast?

  
**Dorian:**    I have LAMB KIDNEYS :D

  
**Ethan:**    Aaaaaaaactually, now that the absinthe hangover has passed, I think I should go and check up on poor Brona.

  
**Dorian:**    ...

  
**Ethan:**    Not that the (presumed) sex wasn't mind-blowingly awesome.

  
**Dorian:**    ...

  
**Ethan:**    Thanks again for the absinthe. Byeeeee.

  
**Dorian:**    ...

  
**Dorian:**    WELL FINE

  
**Dorian:**    I'LL JUST EAT THESE KIDNEYS ALL BY MYSELF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what the etiquette was for staying for breakfast after sex all night long in Victorian times, but in Dorian's house of orgies I presume he does whatever the hell he likes.
> 
> I WAS nearly going to have Dorian offer kedgeree, but i wasn't sure how many people would actually know what it was.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sembene has a thing or three to say.

**Sembene:**    So your daughter is one of them. What then? Know what you are going to do.

  
**Malcolm:**    Well-

  
**Sembene:**    I mean, are you going to chain her up in the cellar?

  
**Sembene:**    (Because that worked SO well last time.)

  
**Sembene:**    There is something profoundly disturbing about the idea of you restraining your daughter in an underground dungeon.

  
**Sembene:**    It is already awkward enough in this house, what with the business between you and Miss Vanessa.

  
**Sembene:**    And then we'll still need to feed Mina.

  
**Sembene:**    I CANNOT KEEP ABDUCTING NEIGHBORHOOD CATS TO FEED TO YOUR MONSTER DAUGHTER IN THE DUNGEON, MALCOLM.

  
**Malcolm:**    ...

  
**Sembene:**    ...Well, I can, but that's beside the point.

  
**Malcolm:**    All right, you've made your case, now can you PLEASE stop talking?

  
**Sembene:**    Hell no, I'm on a roll.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Vanessa goes out for dinner and everything is sweet and awkward

**Malcolm:**    For a man who's desperate to find his daughter, I am suddenly ridiculously blase about letting the only person who can help me find her go out for a night on the town where she might get attacked by vampires.

  
**Malcolm:**    Plus the fact that the last time but one she went out for the evening, she ended up exposing my sexual exploits to a whole bunch of people and doing contortions on a table.

  
**Vanessa:**    I want to ask your sartorial opinion of this dress.

  
**Malcolm:**    *General paternal pride, which is both sweet and kind of awkward considering Vanessa could possibly actually be his daughter.*

  
**Vanessa:**    *General gratitude for the approval, which is both sweet and VERY awkward since she had sex with a devil who took the form of Malcolm.*

  
**Malcolm:**    Have a good night. Try not to get possessed and have sex with some guy in an alleyway.

  
**Vanessa:**    ...

  
**Malcolm:**    ...that last bit was only supposed to be in my head.

  
**Vanessa:**    Clearly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Malcolm is really asking for it letting Vanessa go out alone; a vampire breaks into the house and he's letting her go on a dinner date? Shoddy.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sembene continues to be the only sane man.

**Sembene:**    For all the blood we share, for all the miles we have walked, Malcolm, we are not the same. Where I come from, we know, some people cannot be saved.

  
**Malcolm:**    *Broods.*

  
**Sembene:**    And now we are going to sit down and talk about all that blood and those miles, at great length.

  
**Malcolm:**    ...we are?

  
**Sembene:**    We are, because I feel we have somewhat lost track of this deep bond we supposedly share in the midst of all this violence and carnage and your single minded obsession and other people having sex. You are in serious need of an intervention, my friend.

  
**Malcolm:**    Sembene, I don't think we really have time for this-

  
**Sembene:**    Why, you had plans for between now and this evening?

  
**Sembene:**    Other than exploiting Miss Vanessa, manipulating Mr Frankenstein and insulting Mr Chandler behind his back, of course.

  
**Malcolm:**    ...

  
**Sembene:**    Yeah. Didn't think so.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Victor takes the wind out of Caliban's sails.

**Caliban:**    Has there ever been a creature so alone? So utterly helpless? Was every newborn creature abandoned the moment they were born?

  
**Victor:**    Yes, actually.

  
**Victor:**    Lots of species of reptiles and fish.

  
**Victor:**    Insect larvae.

  
**Victor:**    Rabbit kittens.

  
**Victor:**    Hooded Grebe chicks.

  
**Victor:**    Quite a lot of parental abandonment going on in the animal and human kingdom every single day, I assure you.

  
**Caliban:**    Have you QUITE finished undermining my monologue?

  
**Victor:**    Just a moment:

  
**Victor:**    Now I understand why some animals EAT their young.

  
**Victor:**    Yep, done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suppose I'm cheating a bit on the rabbit kittens; Mama Rabbit doesn't so much abandon them as only visit them two or three times a day for two minute speed feeds. This helps keep predators from finding her babies.
> 
> Hooded grebes are Darwinist assholes, though.


	17. #17 1x06

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Caliban pisses off Victor that little too much.

**Caliban:**    (Snaps van Helsing's neck like a twig.)

**Victor:**    OH DEAR SWEET GOD IN HEAVEN WILL YOU STOP KILLING MY SURROGATE FAMILY

**Caliban:**    Stop stalling, demon; I want what you have promised me!

**Victor:**    Are you serious?

**Victor:**    You are fucking serious.

**Victor:**    First of all, it's been TWO DAYS since you first asked me that. TWO DAYS. Tops.

**Victor:**    How the hell do you expect me to find a suitable body, prep it, and then summon up a handy lightening storm in TWO DAYS?

**Victor:**    You're so smart, you've read all my books; tell me, in your vast area of study, have you possibly come across the phrase 'Patience is a sodding virtue?'

**Victor:**    Second of all, I've been performing blood transfusions on a feral young man locked up in a cellar, fighting him off when he broke free and tried to kill us, researching a cure for my client's infected daughter who's come down with a bad case of vampirism, and having to interact with my employers on a regular basis.

**Victor:**    Including this excellent old gentleman, with whom I possibly could have found a cure for said vampirism, who certainly would have been a great aid in helping deal with the blood sucking creatures of the night who stalk London's streets, and who you have just brutally killed.

**Victor:**    I HAVE BEEN A LITTLE BUSY, IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

**Victor:**    WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE LATELY?

**Caliban:**    ...

**Caliban:**    ...I found out the woman I like is engaged to someone else.

**Victor:**    ...

**Caliban:**    I'll just go now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SERIOUSLY CALIBAN: PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE  
> VIRTUE IS A GRACE  
> PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER  
> AND YOU'VE GOT A PRETTY FACE!  
> (YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW OFTEN I HAD THAT QUOTED AT ME WHEN I WAS A SPROG)  
> SORRY FOR THE PROFANITY BUT I THINK VICTOR'S EARNED IT


	18. #18 1x03 and 1x06

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Caliban NEEDS to learn how to clean up after himself.

**Caliban:**    Do not test me, Frankenstein. You have not known horror until I have shown it to you. 

**Caliban:** *Walks off*

**Victor:**    Well, CRAP.

**Victor:**    AND I've still got to mop up Proteus.

(Three episodes and one snapped neck later!!!)

**Caliban:**    Do not weep. I have learned that skill. It brings no solace. 

**Caliban:** *Walks off*

**Victor:**    ...

**Victor:**    YOU KNOW, IF YOU INSIST ON KILLING EVERYTHING I LOVE, THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS STAY TO HELP CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF.

**Victor:**    WHAT, WERE YOU RAISED IN AN ATTIC?

**Victor:**    ...

**Victor:**    ...oh, right, yeah...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL DONE ON POSSIBLY MAKING VICTOR A MURDER SUSPECT CALIBAN  
> HE'S DEFINITELY GOING TO MAKE YOU A BRIDE NOW!


	19. #19 1x06

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I loving rip off Kate Beaton.

**Vanessa:**    Dorian, we're in your bed now

**Vanessa:**    And I an looking so hot and also I have a knife?

**Dorian:**    Oooh Miss Ives oooh

**Dorian:**    Let's do it

**Vanessa:**    Yes

**Vanessa:**    And I will leave my corset on

(Gaze)

MEANWHILE IN A 20 MILE RADIUS OF THIS EVENT

**Viewers:**    (flailing) MISS IVES

**Vampires:**    (burning) MISS IVES

**Demon:**    HELLO CHILD; I'VE BEEN WAITING

It was amazing.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, there are no words.


	20. #20 1x06

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Malcolm has had enough of his daughter being in another castle.

**Malcolm:**    Finally! Mina, I am here to rescue you, and-

**Vampire:**    Yoink!

**Mina:**    SAVE ME DADDY.

**Possibly Dracula:**    Sorry, you daughter is now in another castle.

**Maybe Dracula:**    Boat.

**Might be Dracula:**    Lair.

**It's really unclear:**    Whatever.

**Malcolm:**    ...

**Malcolm:**    OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SODDING KIDDING.

**Ethan:**    Ah, woah, fire. BIG fire. Maybe we should go now.

**Malcolm:**    THIS IS JUST SOME BIG JOKE, RIGHT? SOME BIG COSMIC JOKE.

**Sembene:**    Sir Malcolm, the boat is on fire. I think we must be leaving.

**Malcolm:**    IT'S LIKE SOMEONE IS DELIBERATELY DRAWING THIS OUT JUST TO TORMENT ME EVEN FURTHER.

**Ethan:**    Why is the hold of this ship so strangely flammable anyway?

**Ethan:**    I mean, one little lamp got knocked over and fwoom? Towering inferno?

**Ethan:**    I know lamp oil lights up real quick, but this is just a little ridiculous.

**Sembene:**    We're fighting vampires with freaking exo-skeletons, we have gone way beyond ridiculous by this point.

**Sembene:**    Now help me get him out of here.

**Malcolm:**    I HATE EVERYTHING.

**Malcolm:**    ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I CAN'T REMEMBER IF SEMBENE WAS THERE WHEN VICTOR DISSECTED THE VAMPIRE  
> BUT IF HE WASN'T I'M SURE MALCOLM CLUED HIM IN AFTERWARDS


	21. #21 1x06

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dorian is far too honest.

**Dorian:**    Here, I've arranged a lovely treat for you.

**Vanessa:**    Wow, a photography session!

**Vanessa:**    An occasion where I have to sit still and stare at the camera for ages.

**Vanessa:**    Such fun.

**Dorian:**    You'd be surprised how fun it can be.

**Dorian:**    The last time someone took my picture I was having sex with that lady of the night from yesterday evening, while she was coughing up blood all over me.

**Vanessa:**    ...

**Dorian:**    Yes, I am fully aware I said that out loud. Your point?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALL RIGHT THIS IS PRETTY UNLIKELY  
> DORIAN WANTS TO IMPRESS HER HE WOULDN'T MENTION HIS PREVIOUS SEX PARTNERS  
> BUT I THOUGHT THE COMPARISON WAS APT


	22. #22 The season in general

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Vanessa and her posse stage an intervention, and Brona gets involved too for the greater good.

**Vanessa:**    Dorian, sit down a moment, would you?

**Dorian:**    Why, certainly, Miss Ives.

**Dorian:**    ...

**Dorian:**    Might I ask why you are all standing around me in a rather ominous circle?

**Vanessa:**    Dorian, we didn't want to have to do this, but you forced us to it.

**Malcolm:**    This is an intervention.

**Dorian :**    Riiiiiight. An intervention about what, exactly?

**Ethan:**    FOR GODS' SAKE MAN, PUT ON A DAMN CRAVAT.

**Dorian:**    _Whuh?_

**Brona:**    You're swanning about with your neck showing every which way. It's very distracting.

**Brona:**    The good sort of distracting, but still.

**Sembene:**    The first time we met, my eyes were drawn and held by your neck. I could not look away.

**Sembene:**    That's never happened to me before.

**Sembene:**    It was unsettling.

**Victor:**    I've never even met you until today, and yet I am enthralled by that neck. I'm torn between writing a poem about it and wanting to dissect it.

**Ethan:**    You know what that neck made me do. That portion of your anatomy is not of this world.

**Vanessa:**    In short, that is a neck which must be kept under lock and key and cravat.

**Malcolm:**    Thus, for the sake of public decency and just plain good manners -

**Malcolm:**    (what kind of gentlemen goes around with his shirt undone like that, honestly, kids today)

**Malcolm:**    - we are ordering you TO SHAPE UP AND BUTTON UP.

**Dorian:**    ...

**Dorian:**    Fair enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEAH I'M PRETTY SURE POLITE SOCIETY WOULDN'T HAVE PUT UP WITH DORIAN SWANNING AROUND WITH HIS SHIRT ONLY HALF DONE UP  
> OR WEAR SHIRTS THAT COLOUR  
> ONCE AGAIN DORIAN LOOKS LIKE HE STEPPED OUT OF SOMETHING BY TIM BURTON


	23. #23 1x06

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sembene is so done.

**Ethan:**    So, you know how you're keeping stuff from Vanessa?

**Malcolm:**    Yes?

**Ethan:**    Stop keeping stuff from her.

**Ethan:**    Because she is awesome and perfect and does not deserve to be lied to.

**Malcolm:**    Huh.

**Malcolm:**    You know, you are completely right, oh man who I had very little respect for up until this evening when we bonded over tuberculosis and death.

**Malcolm:**    I shall go against the grain of how I've been behaving for years and tell Vanessa the truth!

**Sembene:**    HOLD UP

**Sembene:**    I'VE BEEN AT YOUR SIDE FOR DECADES AND YOU NEVER PAY ATTENTION TO MY INTERVENTIONS

**Sembene:**    YOU'VE KNOWN HIM FOR WHAT, TWO DAYS, AND YOU'RE SUDDENLY LISTENING TO _HIM?_

**Sembene:**    THAT'S IT

**Sembene:**    I AM DONE

**Sembene:**    _SO_ DONE

**Sembene:**    SEMBENE OUT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I'm just being silly.


	24. #24 1x06

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sir Malcolm is realistic, if a dick.

**Malcolm:**    I appreciate that you want to keep the woman you love out of hospital, they're frankly dire places even after Florence Nightingale did her work.

**Malcolm:**    But she will cease being who she is.

**Ethan:**    Then I'll love who she becomes.

**Malcolm:**    ...

**Malcolm:**    Son, let me rephrase that.

**Malcolm:**    She has _tuberculosis._

**Malcolm:**    Pretty sure she's going to become a corpse.

**Malcolm:**    Though not before becoming delusional and unable to recognise you.

**Ethan:**    ...

**Ethan:**    (Lip wobbles.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TO BE FAIR TO MALCOLM THIS WAS PRETTY MUCH THE REALITY IF YOU HAD TUBERCULOSIS AND COULDN'T GO TO A BETTER CLIMATE  
> IN SOME CASES MALCOLM IS VERY MUCH A REALIST  
> ALSO: OOOOOO LOOK AT THE FORESHADOWING


	25. #25 1x06

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which this didn't happen, at all, but that doesn't stop me wishing it had.

**Helsing:**    I hope you live a long and happy life, Victor.

**Victor:**    Awww, thank you-

**Caliban:**    *Grabs van Helsing from behind*

**Victor:**    WHAT THE FRICK

**Helsing:**    AW HELLS NAW

**Helsing:**    *Punches Caliban in the face*

**Helsing:**    *Flips Caliban over his shoulder*

**Helsing:**    *Whacks Caliban with his walking stick*

**Caliban:**    OW OW OWWWWWWWW

**Helsing:**    *Kicks Caliban in the ribs*

**Caliban:**    I'M SORRY I'M SORRY

**Victor:**    ...

**Victor:**    ...I think you got him.

**Helsing:**    Yes. Right. Sorry about that. Life I've led, I REALLY hate people coming up behind me, you know?

**Victor:**    LET ME LOVE YOU

**Victor:**    IN A COMPLETELY PLATONIC AND FILIAL MANNER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AFTER WHICH I'M SURE VICTOR HAS A GOOD OLD TALK WITH CALIBAN  
> AND SIGHS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD WHEN HE FINDS OUT IT BOILS DOWN TO GIRL TROUBLE  
> AND VERY STERNLY TELLS CALIBAN THAT HE CAN'T GO AROUND KILLING PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE HE'S ANNOYED  
> (IT HELPS THAT VAN HELSING IS STANDING BEHIND HIM TAPPING A PALM WITH HIS WALKING STICK)  
> (I WAS CHANNELLING PRESIDENT ANDREW JACKSON WHEN I WROTE THIS IF YOU CAN'T TELL)


	26. #26 1x07

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Malcolm is once again realistic, and again rather dickish.

**Ethan:**    Boom, exorcised!

**Ethan:**    All right, I'm off to see Brona now.

**Malcolm:**    We've all been holed up in here for at least a few weeks.

**Malcolm:**    Judging by her condition the last time you described her, I think it's a safe bet that she's dead by now.

**Ethan:**    ...

**Malcolm:**    Apologies.

**Malcolm:**    I just felt the irresistible need to remind all and sundry that I am, indeed, an awful man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are, Malcolm.  
> You really are.


	27. #27 1x07

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Victor has forgotten something.

**Victor:**    Wow, I sure am having fun hiding out in Sir Malcolm's mansion and learning how to shoot and getting aroused while terrified of Miss Ives

**Victor:**    (Well all right that last bit's not so fun)

**Victor:**    Though thumbing my nose to my own personal demon is entertaining, because NYEH YOU CAN'T GET ME IN HERE

**Victor:**    But I can't help feeling I've forgotten something important...

**Rats:**    *Are having an absolute BLAST scoffing Proteus's corpse in the attic*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JOKING ASIDE I'M PRETTY SURE VICTOR WOULD HAVE CLEANED PROTEUS UP ONCE HE'D HAD A GOOD OLD WEEP  
> BUT NOW I'M CURIOUS HOW HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN THE REMAINS DOWN ALL THOSE STAIRS AND DUMPED THEM WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING  
> SCRATCH THAT: HOW DID HE GET THE BODY UP THE STAIRS IN THE FIRST PLACE WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING?  
> ALONG WITH ALL THAT HEAVY EQUIPMENT?  
> THIS IS WHY PEOPLE BUILD LAIRS OR LABORATORIES UNDERGROUND PEOPLE


End file.
